judging and opinionating

Sometimes there is more sadness in acceptance, than in rejection.

five years back i had thought that five years from then i would be sorted-out in my faith, beliefs, opinions, ideals. five years from thence, i still find myself at cross-sections all the time. some would say i am too malleable about my opinion. others may appreciate that i am still willing to learn, change and accept things that dont immediately agree with me. 

and then there is the tiny fact that i have an opinion about everything. and i have learnt to be unapologetic about it. i have also learned to remain silent unless my opinion is asked for. this learning process hasnt been easy and sharp criticisms have been showered on me from some of the best people i have known.

more pertinent question: is it really impossible to remain free of judgment ? or is it that when we claim to "not judge", the subtle text is, "we have already judged and formed an opinion. but we arent going to let that come in our way".

Everyone judges.

Temptations

Oscar Wilde said, "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."

Oh how i follow this advice to the T ! temptation to write to someone who will never respond, temptation to read something that werent for your eyes, temptation to throw-away something you will always need, temptation to eat that thing that will add 10 inch to your waistline in a day, temptation to run after mysteries that you will never solve, temptation to sleep that extra minute, temptation to think about futile things...


and i have given-in to all of them. time and again. i may have scholded myself for being foolish, but as they say: Hindsight vision is always perfect. yea, we have this beautiful thing call retrospect, which makes all our wrongs, okay. which makes us find a lesson in everything that went wrong, which gives us a perfect tool for doing all random things now, because...? oh, we will think about it later and definitely realize that we learnt, if nothing else, a good lesson. we wouldnt change it for the world !!

The Apple's plight

Ramchandra Guha described the 1947-plight of Kashmir: an apple that was perched precariously on the edge of India's basket, never completely in India's basket or never out of it.

2010 - Kashmir is still an apple on the edge of the basket. true, its government is a part of India, but do the people of Kashmir really have that sense of belonging to India ? Could we have a plebscite solution ? Could we attempt a partition of Kashmir ?

With the Urdu word jannat, Kashmir is the first thing that comes to my mind. As a cop deputed in the valley said about Kashmir now: its fraught with problems, but it is beautiful. it is worth fighting for.

sometimes, you can only do your bit. ask for forgiveness, offer unconditional apology. whether the person in front of you will accept that or not isnt in your hands. it isnt necessary that the person will be in any mood to forgive you when you ask for forgiveness. it may come now, later or probably never. otherwise i guess it is oversimplification and very convenient.

and very hard indeed.

just when you think there is some semblance to this thing called life, life decides to shock you out of this comfortable zone.

so many lives affected by one single incident. such unnecessary loss, so much pain and regret, so much sorrow, so many unsaid words, unfinished work, delayed realizations...

i could hear your voice wafting-in from the adjacent room as we talked. singing in a lazy afternoon. singing for no one but yourself. singing from your heart. wish i could go back to that afternoon. just once.

Fast Forward to 30s

i was telling a friend the other day that i would like to skip the late 20s and speed on to the early 30s part. and predictably, he had this "what do i do with you" look on his face. now, why would i want to become old at a rate faster that usual ? as if the usual rate isnt fast enough !

well, there are certain disadvantages associated with being in late 20s. and if you are an indian girl with a masters degree in her late 20s, then my God help you. this is the ripe age to get married. or else there is absolutely no chance ! some people at home already consider me a lost case because i show no inclination of "settling down". my own parents refrain from broaching the topic too forcefully for the fear of irking me. people all around me are getting married at a disgustingly (sorry ;)) fast rate.

Case point: the ones in indian B-schools. there, the culture of marrying their batchmate/junior/senior is alarmingly high. why would that be so ? is it because most of them know that "this is it as far as academia is concerned" ? that the next logical step would be, apart from getting a job, "settling down". so why not try to maarofy chance right now ? there are no dearth of suitable candidates. on the contrary, when i talk to my friends in american B-schools they have a very different picture. here, the average age of students are early 30s. they have had considerable work-experience, have been married with kids, some are single and some actually divorced or going through the process. so people arent really looking actively. just temporary hook-ups, dating etc.

anyway, i am digressing from what i started. that is the pain of being in late 20s and not wanting marriage. now, by the time you hit 30s, your parents would have given-up on you, your much-married-soon-to-have-kids friends would also look at you with pity but thankfully keep their mouth shut, you would have found like-minded friends who are in their 30s or 40s. i already have friends who are in their 30s, single, sometimes dating and having a fabulous life. okay, perhaps fabulous is an exageration. but their life isnt exactly empty because they dont have a husband or a wife to come back home to.

i am not anti-marriage. it is (perhaps) a beautiful institution. i have also seen many broken marriages in my own family. all that doesnt put me off about marriage. but you need to have the right reasons for going into it. especially when you can afford to have the right reasons for not going into it. fear of loneliness, social acceptance, emotional security, biological clock ticking, the eligible people reducing....they just dont seem like good enough reasons.

That 80's

a revolutionary idea for the 1980's when movies were either about a bumbling next-door hero and his funny situations including his love life or the masala movies of the hero fighting villains and saving the girl.

somewhere trying to make a space with niche audiences were movies which were "non-family" movies, because a family was not supposed to sit together and watch a philandering husband, a wife who could walk out of her marriage or a broken family. where the woman was not afraid of a divorce and the man was not apologetic about his love for a woman who was not his wife.

Arth and Ijaazat. there is something about these movies that makes it so compelling to watch. the flawed husband, a forbidden torrential affair with a devastingly attractive, stunning but traumatic woman, the wife who is deeply in love with her husband only to realize that he has feet of clay, who is torn between love for her husband and the need to save her self-respect. the movies characteristically explore the uncomfortable issues of infidelity, broken relationships, the stifling socio-cultural boundaries. they call-out to our need for the forbidden, the unexplained attraction for the flawed or damaged person, the inherent nature of a person to run after mysteries.

and then, who can forget the beautiful words in Arth - tum itna jo muskura rahe ho, kya gham hai jisko chupa rahe ho....

Two Men, Good Food and a Drink

to the two S in my life:

they pamper me, listen to my rants, laugh at my silly thoughts, laugh with me on my wild fantasies, indulge me,  soothe me, scream at me, make fun of me. there is something very comfortable about their company. maybe  because i dont have the fear of being judged. maybe because i can share my deepest fears and my darkest secrets with them and they'll just roll their eyes. these two men can lighten-up a grey movie and make it  into full technicolor. sometimes i just stay in their company to get that infectious enthusiasm they have for life.  the silly talks about men, clothes, fashion, chick-flicks. their care-o-damn attitude. when we have one of our  talkathon sessions, i end up saying - "we are so crass, cheap and vulger. we will surely go to hell :D" and then i sleep with a content smile on my face.

when i see them fighting for the survival self, my heart fills with so much pride. i have a strange sense of  ownership on them. i have seen them in their weak moments. when the self-assured, unapologetic demeanor  comes down to reveal individuals who are just as insecure and lonely as everyone else. who need love, assurance, acceptance just like everyone else. their world is so different from me, yet is so similar.  

i celebrate them everyday.

..........

on a different note: its amazing what a good meal can do to you. it uplifts your spirits, soothes your soul and you feel: ahh...all is well with the world now !


its been six months since i have had a single drink ! six months :O. the weather here is so non-conducive for any hot drinks (other than coffee and tea). i am yet to find my favourite brand of Moscato D'Asti :(. heck, i am yet to find any Moscato D'Asti.

Coping Mechanisms

* life jhand hai, toh aur zyada ghamand hai - i have screwed-up, so i have more insight into life than others. i also have a huge superiority complex. bah, it is laughable...i dont know where does it even come from !

* talk about random things that matter little to you - people, clothes, food, anything...but you. manipulate conversations, direct them away from you.
Disclaimer: i love all the above, but lately, i seem to talk too much about them.

* swear a lot - a lot means really a lot. :D its like a mouthwash, a great outlet. my mother will disown me if she overhears me speaking to my friends.

* try to stay invisible - that is my life's motto now and i am pretty good at that :D

in all this, try to just be. this shall pass.

to my loved ones.

i am in my late 20s. expectations are that you will be more or less sorted out by now. if not personally, certainly professionally. the thing is, i am not. i dont know what do to with my life. what i am doing right now feels so temporary. i dont see what i am going to be in the next one year. so thinking 3, 5 or 10 yrs down the line seems like a joke.

i am not looking for something earth shattering. just something that is worth chasing after. something that i can dedicate my life to. something that i will not mind doing atleast 10-12 hrs a day if not more.  because i am not adverse to hard work. something where i can see myself not only 10 years down the line but probably for my entire life.

am i looking for a utopian world ? i dont think so. i see my friends around me. sure, they swear at their bosses, their work, lament about deadlines. they would tell me that their work is meaningless, not worth a single penny or a single hour of their life. given a chance, they would wear a pair of nike running shoes and run far away from their work. but if they really want to, they always can. you always have a choice. the bottomline is somewhere at a very basic level, they like what they are doing. which is where i have faltered. which is something i havent felt in a really long time. in fact i remember exactly when i felt this way the last time - 6 years ago. just for a few months that time, life felt good. everything was not in place. but the problems didnt look too bad and seemed like worth dealing with.

since then i havent felt it. and when i see people around me going to work with a sense of purpose, i envy them. i am jealous of them. i wish i were in their shoes. i will give anything to be in their shoes.

i dont know if this is just a classic case of confusion. i dont know if it is so wrong to really search for something that is so elusive, something that is worth chasing after. but for once i do feel like atleast looking for it.

and in this whole process there are so many people who have been hurt. so many who have been nothing but so good to me without any agenda. but all i have given them are  reasons to doubt me, to question me and my intergrity. i do not know if i will ever be able to repair that broken trust. some of the threads are so shattered that perhaps they can never be mend. but i want them to know, need them to know that i am so sorry. i have nothing else to say. because anything i say will not be believed. i am working hard at  mending myself. it is infinitely hard when people who you love stop believing you. but i know i have brought this on myself and i have only myself to blame. i would do anything to give them back what they have given me - their friendship, love, kindness, support and their faith, so that i dont owe them anything. but i know i cannot. that weighs so heavily on me because i have nothing to give them back. they have every right to question me, be angry with me and severe their ties with me. but i would want them to know that i will do whatever it takes repair that.

with much regret.

yours truly.

India After Gandhi - Ramachandra Guha

Never been so excited about a book before reading it ! So much so that i am not even starting it in a hurry ;). it rests on my table among the India Todays, Time, Newsweek...in all of its 950-page glory. thank god it isnt a hardback !

950 pages..it is going to be a long time before i finish that book. who knows, i might even stop blogging by then ;)

Personal opinion about a book

i was crying by the end of the book. yet something stops me from raving about the book.

the story of Afghanistan is out there for all to know. the plight of women and children in particular. it needs world attention, i dont deny that. i am sitting in a far-off country and commenting on it and i admit i cannot  even imagine the horror of everyday life there. but i am digressing from my point. what i am trying to say is  that if you take-out the Afghanistan part of the story and try to juxtapose it somewhere else, i think it will not be so effective. the sheer desperation of the lives of the people in the country is what makes the book. and that is a fact. other than that there is little else. he's no Vikram Seth who creates a beautiful languid story out of places that have only a historical importance. nor is he like Rushdie whose writings feels like he is weaving a magical thread of story around you. what i mean to say is the writer here has only Afghanistan and the real happenings there to convert into a work of fiction. not much of imagination.


yet, in all fairness, with this book, he has reached-out to more people than a Nat-Geo article or a news piece in CNN, BBC or any other news channel can. when one reads the detailed horror of life that people have to go through, then it is hard to stay impassive and just treat it as a piece of news article. page after page of vivid description compels you to think, feel, form an opinion and perhaps read more about them. probably that's why it is definitely an important piece of literature.

and yes, i did buy this book after reading a copy from a friend.

Life should be like this.

Thanks to the two S' in my life, i have two men to watch chick-flicks with :). the two of them, a glass of white wine and chocolates.

majja ni life !

Note: will write about the two S' later sometime.

Tagore, Amitav Ghosh or Vikram Seth would have had something beautiful to say about this.

मन का हो तो अच्छा, ना हो तो और भी अच्छा |
- हरिवंशराय बच्चन

For a Girl's happy life - A prayer

For all mothers and mothers-to-be. For everyone who has a daughter or who is a daughter:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH4lyJWa_84

- Blueberry Girl by Neil Gaiman

Sunscreen etc.

Baz Luhrmann Lyrics - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
It. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
Scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering
Experience I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
Understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
Recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
You and how fabulous you really looked. You're not as fat as you
Imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
Effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
Bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
Never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
On some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
People who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
You're behind the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
Yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
Succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
Life the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
Wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
Olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe
You won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
Chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary what ever you do, don't
Congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either, your
Choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
Use it every way you can don't be afraid of it, or what other people
Think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
Own..

Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there
For you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
People most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you
Should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
Lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
Knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
In Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
Philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
That when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
Noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
Might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
Look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
Supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
Fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
Ugly parts and recycling it for more than
It's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there
For you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

and continuing...

Motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly   used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
-  A Damn Smart Woman

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
- (Unknown)

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen

If you can't be a good example - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
- Catherine Aird

its fun to resist the "popular" stuff, once in a while. other times, you're simply missing out on good things. too bad i guess ;)

so far i have been resisting Pink Floyd, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Lost, sea food, Paulo Coelho.

KANK

i felt old when i watched the movie 4 years back. i had no reason to watch it again.

but recently while searching for some video on youtube, i chanced upon this movie and started watching it.  height of joblessness eh ?

the movie has all the KJo trappings. tons of glycerin, stunning clothes, opulent sets, no one is less than rich. not even Maya who, after separating from her husband, shifts to a house whose living room looks like a
mansion. and what does she do for a living ? teach tiny tots. whoever knew that kindergarten teaching can be so "rewarding" !

but beyond the obvious flaws, there were some interesting points the movie makes.

- when Maya and Dev confess to their respective spouses about their infedelity, Dev's wife asks him - did you love her ? Rishi asks Maya - did you sleep with him ?

subtle.

- women have wondered why Maya leaves Rishi. why cant she love such a perfect man ? he is good-looking, rich, warm, loving and completely and madly in love with Maya. still Maya cannot reciprocate the love he has for her.

now do we understand when someone says - our "wavelengths" do not match ?

- when Maya asks for her father's forgiveness for her infidelity, he only says: leave your husband. you don't love him and by staying with him, you are preventing him from finding someone who will love him.

love cannot be an obligation.

on a parallel note, read this in a blog:


"Love doesn’t stay. Love is not an insurance policy, love is not your pension scheme; Love is not your bailout of loneliness; Love is not the safety net for your heart.

Love is a season. Love is a fragrance. Love is like the rainbow in the sky. Love is a bubble.

Make the most of it for it’s not here to stay."

------

Why I love this book

Vikram Seth's A Suitable Boy

- post colonialism, post partition, free India. it would be an understatement to say the book is set in one of the most interesting times.

- has the social, political and historical backdrop of the country. the ignorant can learn a lot about those times. the knowledgeable can enjoy the vivid and charming descriptions.

- set in few of the most beautiful, ancient, historical and my favourite cities of India - Lucknow, Calcutta, Delhi.

- no melodrama, no high-tension plot, not a strict page-turner. you cannot hurry to the end. this is a book that is like life. keeps going on and on and on. with ocassional spike of something interesting. then again settles down in its languid pace.

- 1350 pages of close-spaced, times new roman font, size 10 (meaning: really small) writing. if you read multiple books at a time, you can read this book in the background. take your time to read it. 2-3 months.

- on a lazy holiday afternoon, with a nice cup of tea or coffee, if you are not in the mood for brainstorming, mysterious, life-altering writings, then this is the perfect one. you have already read the book once. you can still pick-up this paperweight of a book and open any random chapter and read.


- this book fits my perfect description of trying to have a library where all the books occupy the shelves because you have read them, loved them and then bought them.

oh ! did i mention Kabir Durrani ?! Sighhh..... ;)

To Remember.

Quotes from Chris Nolan's The Dark Knight:

You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push! - Joker

....you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.- Harvey Dent

Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded. - Batman