"That was the best you could ever have, a short space of perfection. Leave it like that and move on."
Monday, January 23, 2012
My Brand of Reality
The more I find acceptance with people, the more I realize I am losing my steam. I find that I have not much to fight against and life seems to be going in the general direction of boredom, mediocrity and pointlessness. I think it is because I have very little bargaining power as far as any other aspect of my life is concerned. I have been fighting for acceptance since quite a long time. It is one of the things that occupied most of my thoughts and being. It was almost fun to know that I am swimming against the tide and I have a long way to go. I channelized my anger and angst into thinking that I am smarter, better, superior than others. It made me rationalize that I am fighting for something and not treading the usual path. I am different. And it is the inability of people to accept differences that made me feel better about my choices.
On the other hand, it is not at all a comforting thought that I need angst to make myself interesting. And more importantly, perhaps people really do not care about who you really are. Rightly so because it is too taxing and time-consuming. As long as you are what they want you to be, it is fairly easy to live. It is a remarkably easy attitude to develop, mainly because one acquires so many layers in their personality that it is simple easy for others to accept what is shown to them. I am no different. I find it easier to shrug and accept what is shown to me and refuse to go beyond that. I take refuge in the notion of "letting people be and leaving them alone and accepting them as who they really are".
Ben Okri said, in the context of his writing being tagged as "magical-realism", "Everyone is looking out of the world through their emotion and history. Nobody has an absolute reality. Everyone's reality is different."
Maybe I will keep-up my all-important angst and fight. Till I realize there wasnt much to fight against. After all you cannot win against someone who does not realize there is a fight. Or maybe I will come across my moment of victory only to realize how insignificant it really is. As usual, I try to find some resolution through this writing and more often than not, it gets me nowhere.
:)
On the other hand, it is not at all a comforting thought that I need angst to make myself interesting. And more importantly, perhaps people really do not care about who you really are. Rightly so because it is too taxing and time-consuming. As long as you are what they want you to be, it is fairly easy to live. It is a remarkably easy attitude to develop, mainly because one acquires so many layers in their personality that it is simple easy for others to accept what is shown to them. I am no different. I find it easier to shrug and accept what is shown to me and refuse to go beyond that. I take refuge in the notion of "letting people be and leaving them alone and accepting them as who they really are".
Ben Okri said, in the context of his writing being tagged as "magical-realism", "Everyone is looking out of the world through their emotion and history. Nobody has an absolute reality. Everyone's reality is different."
Maybe I will keep-up my all-important angst and fight. Till I realize there wasnt much to fight against. After all you cannot win against someone who does not realize there is a fight. Or maybe I will come across my moment of victory only to realize how insignificant it really is. As usual, I try to find some resolution through this writing and more often than not, it gets me nowhere.
:)
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