I saw an old face. I knew that face. It was just for a second, but I recognized the smile. Just a slight curve of the lips, crinkle beside the eyes . By some rare chance, I saw it in my own shadow.
---
Monday, January 14, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
2012
The year world as we knew it was supposed to end. The year i think i finally came out of my rut and gave myself a second shot. i never realized how screwed-up i was. never even stopped to think that not only did i hurt others, but i had hurt myself so badly that i had lost the ability to really differentiate between anything darn thing. i had lost the ability to think for my own good, so i kept getting deeper into the murky water and the swirl of my own tornado.
I never really tried to get out of it, choosing to languish in the cold comfort of a world i had created for myself since the last four years. i became excellent at the art of pretense and ignoring the truth. i thought i could fix everything by myself. after all being 29 and not being in control of my own life ? not only is that embarrassing, but it is something i never saw the need to accept and hence it was just good to think that everything is okay or going to be.
I was so out of my depth, it wasn't even funny. i did not want any help, i didnt want the truth to be out and i thought "time" will fix everything. funny, how at 29, you can be more stupid than at 21. but my reality was more like sand. the more i tried to hold on to it, the more it slipped away.
In these years i lost my career, lost the trust of my loved ones, lost my self respect and finally, finally this year, lost the one person who had made me see life so differently. the one person whose presence i always took for granted, the one i had grown to love and the one person who i loved more than i ever realized. and the saddest part was i realized how much i loved this person once i lost this person. i had thought that this person would stand by me in-spite of my deeds. when i "came out" to this person, it was akin to coming out to my parents about my misdeeds. i was coming out with the most important (and worst) because i wanted all of them to know the truth, selfishly wanted their support in my rehab. there was never ever a guarantee that they would be okay with it, or even accept it.
This is where life hit me with one of its hardest truth. a relationship is strong only for so much. never stretch it beyond that, because once it breaks, there is no way to repair it. a part of me is almost glad that this relationship broke. had this person decided to accept me with my past, i would always wonder and never know the reason real reason (for this person's choice). when someone comes out to you with their horrible truth, do you still stay with the person because you are glad this person has been finally honest with you, or do you feel obligated to stay back or is it because you choose to look beyond the past deeds and look at a future together ? i am glad that i do not have to second guess.
But it breaks my heart that not only did i lose a person i love, but that i will never be forgiven. i will never find the peace that i yearn for, the atonement that i try to make, the tattered fabric that i so desperately try to sow back together. i felt as if i have everything to say and yet when i sat down to doing it, there was nothing left to be said.
Probably this is life's way of telling me that i need to cut from my past. completely, surgically, and absolutely. maybe it is telling me that i have done my time, paid my dues and tried to make amends. perhaps there is nothing else i need to do but let it be and let it go.
That is why, this year, 2013, i cant wait for the year to unfold. i am turning 30 and i am almost starting all over again. my peers around me are going places, getting married, having babies, buying houses and what not. and here i am, growing-up all over again, just learning to be a better person. i have a long way to go, many hurdles to cross and i am sure i am going to see the face of failure many more times.
But i also know i will deal with it and not run away or hide from life. i have a lot to achieve and a long uphill road. i might get lost a few times. there will be no one to show me the way. i still do not know the answer to "where do you see yourself 5 years from now". but i know i am going to be okay.
As Meredith Grey said:
“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”
I never really tried to get out of it, choosing to languish in the cold comfort of a world i had created for myself since the last four years. i became excellent at the art of pretense and ignoring the truth. i thought i could fix everything by myself. after all being 29 and not being in control of my own life ? not only is that embarrassing, but it is something i never saw the need to accept and hence it was just good to think that everything is okay or going to be.
I was so out of my depth, it wasn't even funny. i did not want any help, i didnt want the truth to be out and i thought "time" will fix everything. funny, how at 29, you can be more stupid than at 21. but my reality was more like sand. the more i tried to hold on to it, the more it slipped away.
In these years i lost my career, lost the trust of my loved ones, lost my self respect and finally, finally this year, lost the one person who had made me see life so differently. the one person whose presence i always took for granted, the one i had grown to love and the one person who i loved more than i ever realized. and the saddest part was i realized how much i loved this person once i lost this person. i had thought that this person would stand by me in-spite of my deeds. when i "came out" to this person, it was akin to coming out to my parents about my misdeeds. i was coming out with the most important (and worst) because i wanted all of them to know the truth, selfishly wanted their support in my rehab. there was never ever a guarantee that they would be okay with it, or even accept it.
This is where life hit me with one of its hardest truth. a relationship is strong only for so much. never stretch it beyond that, because once it breaks, there is no way to repair it. a part of me is almost glad that this relationship broke. had this person decided to accept me with my past, i would always wonder and never know the reason real reason (for this person's choice). when someone comes out to you with their horrible truth, do you still stay with the person because you are glad this person has been finally honest with you, or do you feel obligated to stay back or is it because you choose to look beyond the past deeds and look at a future together ? i am glad that i do not have to second guess.
But it breaks my heart that not only did i lose a person i love, but that i will never be forgiven. i will never find the peace that i yearn for, the atonement that i try to make, the tattered fabric that i so desperately try to sow back together. i felt as if i have everything to say and yet when i sat down to doing it, there was nothing left to be said.
Probably this is life's way of telling me that i need to cut from my past. completely, surgically, and absolutely. maybe it is telling me that i have done my time, paid my dues and tried to make amends. perhaps there is nothing else i need to do but let it be and let it go.
That is why, this year, 2013, i cant wait for the year to unfold. i am turning 30 and i am almost starting all over again. my peers around me are going places, getting married, having babies, buying houses and what not. and here i am, growing-up all over again, just learning to be a better person. i have a long way to go, many hurdles to cross and i am sure i am going to see the face of failure many more times.
But i also know i will deal with it and not run away or hide from life. i have a lot to achieve and a long uphill road. i might get lost a few times. there will be no one to show me the way. i still do not know the answer to "where do you see yourself 5 years from now". but i know i am going to be okay.
As Meredith Grey said:
“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”
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