As Robert Kincaid says in Bridges of Madison County, ''The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them.''
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
A Clean Break
it felt so final. she mourned it even after all this time. but there was a sense of pseudo-power when she cut it lose completely. she would never see it again.
she did not feel ashamed to admit to herself that even after all this time, even now, a tiny part of her hoped to turn things around. she had her occasional victories. but they were just that. occasional and short-lived. even after all this time of trying and failing. of falling, getting-up, licking her wounds and then trying again.
but now she realized that this wound would never stop bleeding. so the only way to deal with this was to cut it out and start healing. have a clean break. true, there was nothing verbal about it. but she needed to cut-off even the remote possibility. on one hand, it almost felt childish. but this was the only remaining avenue she had to cover, the only possibility of a leak. never mind that the thoughts would always be there, that was intangible. that would be there, forever. she knew she could deal with that. she needed to take this step to preserve her faith. to know that she could still nurture.
when she started all this, she knew somewhere in a deep recess in her mind that this would never work. she felt she was in a sinking ship which had no life raft. but even passengers in such a ship don't give-up so easily. perhaps it is an inane human tendency. she knew she had to try, even though she knew where it would lead her to. she had to put herself through this without thinking if this was all worth it. so that in the end, she could tell herself she gave her best shot.
but she did not realize that in this hoping against hope, this process was sapping her energy every single day. chipping away her faith and cutting deeply into her heart and mind. she did not want that, she could not afford her hope, faith and beliefs to go away because she needed them to arrive at her future and preserve her past. otherwise, she feared she would become bitter and full of resentment.
she had made a clean break, not really knowing where this would take her. was this the best she could do ? she still does not know. doubts still plague her mind. but for now, she wouldnt mind in reveling in the tiny part of her which danced with joy, congratulating herself on taking her final step.
she did not feel ashamed to admit to herself that even after all this time, even now, a tiny part of her hoped to turn things around. she had her occasional victories. but they were just that. occasional and short-lived. even after all this time of trying and failing. of falling, getting-up, licking her wounds and then trying again.
but now she realized that this wound would never stop bleeding. so the only way to deal with this was to cut it out and start healing. have a clean break. true, there was nothing verbal about it. but she needed to cut-off even the remote possibility. on one hand, it almost felt childish. but this was the only remaining avenue she had to cover, the only possibility of a leak. never mind that the thoughts would always be there, that was intangible. that would be there, forever. she knew she could deal with that. she needed to take this step to preserve her faith. to know that she could still nurture.
when she started all this, she knew somewhere in a deep recess in her mind that this would never work. she felt she was in a sinking ship which had no life raft. but even passengers in such a ship don't give-up so easily. perhaps it is an inane human tendency. she knew she had to try, even though she knew where it would lead her to. she had to put herself through this without thinking if this was all worth it. so that in the end, she could tell herself she gave her best shot.
but she did not realize that in this hoping against hope, this process was sapping her energy every single day. chipping away her faith and cutting deeply into her heart and mind. she did not want that, she could not afford her hope, faith and beliefs to go away because she needed them to arrive at her future and preserve her past. otherwise, she feared she would become bitter and full of resentment.
she had made a clean break, not really knowing where this would take her. was this the best she could do ? she still does not know. doubts still plague her mind. but for now, she wouldnt mind in reveling in the tiny part of her which danced with joy, congratulating herself on taking her final step.
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