"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."

- Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind.

Pink and Other Colors

Very few people are not fascinated by colors. as a child, my favorite color was the innocent and fresh baby pink. by the time i hit my late teens, i went to the dark side. black and grey became my favorites. i positively hated any bright color. light blue, baby pink, lime green, orange, red...they didnt stand a chance of entering my closet. i was specifically allergic to pink. my closet consisted of clothes in grey, black and to add a dash of color, navy blue. my friends knew that to make me happy, all they had to do was give me something in grey. never mind the shade of grey, anything was fine. then in my 3rd year at college, i wore orange. a bright shade of orange. i was at risk of becoming the talk of the college and people thought i must be in a trance or must be "in love". :D

So to cut the long story short, my relationship with colors has been a rather dicey one.

I do not know if it is to do with the general acceptability that accompanies old age or plain boredom because of lack of colors (only literally) in my life, but i have started to believe that any color is good as long as the texture is right. even a safe color like black can be completely ruined on a tacky synthetic-material. probably most of the vibrant colors look pretty good on light materials like linen and cotton. i have been following the  Pantone Color Matching System  for a 3-4 years. just for kicks. fortunately (or otherwise) my line of profession doesnt need any special talent for discerning colors. each year, Pantone declares a "Color of the Year", which becomes a standard for fashion merchandise among other uses. so when they announced that this year, the lucky color was Honeysuckle  , i was rather alarmed.

Honeysuckle Flower
Pic Courtesy: www.pantone.com

They have chosen pretty nice colors like iris blue, tulip violet, mimosa, chilli pepper in the previous years. but this honeysuckle thing was shade of pink. but well, like i said previously, as long as they get it on a right texture, i will take pink in my stride too.  

On a very different yet related note, i recently saw a guy wearing a baby pink (yes, baby pink) shirt and beige trousers. to put it mildly, he was a rather good-looking guy. and i knew that whatever happens that day, i would bear it all. with a smile on my face. i would only need to close my eyes and picture Mr. Baby Pink and Beige. if only i had these kind of sightings more often ! siggghhhh....the little pleasures in life....!!!

Fidelity and Honesty

 is it about the mind or the body ?

even when you are in a committed relationship, there is no reason why you cant appreciate another person. it is a natural healthy reaction. taking it one step further, what if you are really attracted to that person and vice versa ? do you remain content by just thinking about it, telling yourself - "but i am not doing anything". or is it better to just to go the whole hog, have a physical relationship and (try) get over with it ? some might argue that if you cannot get a hold over your libido, if you cannot remain faithful to your partner, then what is the difference between you and a polygamous animal. but what good is it if i still keep thinking about that person ? am i still not being unfaithful to my partner ? some say that it is what you do that matters. does that mean it is okay to think and lech after a person, as long as i don't go ahead and sleep with him/her ? when two people make a commitment to each other in a relationship, the subtext doesnt mean that we will stop seeing things around us. rather it is that we will stay true to each other, come hell or high water. this probably is a basic tenet of any relationship. 

if you are attracted to another man/woman, but still really want to get it out of your system, then isnt it better to come clean to your partner, instead of just thinking about it or even clandestinely going ahead with it ? what i mean is, which one is worse ? to keep thinking about Mr.X all the time, while still physically being in the current relationship ? or having the courage to give-up the safe haven of your current relationship and giving Mr.X an honest try ? the latter is a risk, perhaps with no returns. that's why it is called a risk.

being attracted to someone outside of the relationship may not necessarily mean that your current relationship is incomplete or unfulfilling. some (mostly) men have admitted that they have, simultaneously been in love with more than one women. there have been times when he has been forced to make a choice. but then there have also been times when all of them have co-existed with each other agreeably, with the knowledge of the existence of each other. the point i am trying to make, is, why not give honesty a chance ? if i flip-out at my partner's admission of attraction to some else, perhaps for now, i would have averted a break-down of the relationship with my tantrums, temper, anger and hurt. but it is only a matter of time when he starts thinking that coming clean is just not an option. 

the thing is, you cannot hold a person hostage by putting the ransom of the relationship. it feels scary to give-up someone you love, you are committed to, because we all have the urge to seek comfort in the known and want security. to achieve that, we are guilty of inflicting "emotional atyachaar" on the other person. but sometimes you might have to let go of the bird that you have imprisoned in a golden cage, trusting fate, knowing that if two people are meant to be with each other, they will find a way back. and it is better done as a choice than necessity.

Ageless Youth ?

So what if the number in my age means i am old ? age, as they say, is just a mere number. can i help it if i still feel young when i see you ? my heart still flutters,  i still feel the familiar heady rush and i am tongue-tied at the very sight of you. i am scared to be left alone lest i lose myself in your thoughts. i cant help it if my heart doesnt behave like a perfect gentleman like me, when you are around. in vain i try to drill some sense into my heart and try to rein it in, knowing that i may be betrayed. these feelings are so overwhelming that i am scared to admit them even to myself. yet, what can i do if my heart feels so young and sings a song at the very sight of you ?

(the above is not a literal translation of the song below)

Aise uljjhi nazara se hatati nahi 
datse reshmi dor katati nahi
umar kab ki baras ke safed ho gayi
kaari badari jawani ki chatati rahi
wallah ye dhadkan badane lagi hai
chehare ki rangat udane lagi hai
darr lagatha hai tanaha sone mein jee
dil to bacha hai jee
dil to bacha hai jee
thoda kacha hai jee
dil to bacha hai jee
aise uljji nazara se hatati nahi
datse reshmi dor katati nahi
gari badari jawani ki chatati rahi

Kis ko patta tha pehlun me rakha
dil aisa baji bhi hoga
hum to humesha samajate the koi
hum jaisa hajii he hoga
aaye jor kare kitana shor kare
bevaja baton pe aiwein gaur karen
dil sa koi kamina nahi koi to roke
koi toke iss umer me ab khavo ge dhoke
darr lagata hai ishq me karane bhi jee
dil to ucha hai jee dil to bacha hai jee
thoda kacha hai jee dil to bacha hai jee

Aise udasi beti hai dil pe
hasane se ghabara rahe hai
sari jawani katarake kanti
piri me takara gaye hai
dildhadkata hai to aise lagatha hai jo
aa raha hai yahi dekhta he na ho
prem ki mare katar re
toba ye lamahe katate nahi hai kyun
aankho se meri hatate nahi jo
darr lagata hai mujhse karana baji
dil to bacha hai jee
dil to bacha hai jee
thoda kacha hai jee
dil to bacha hai jee


-- Lyrics: Gulzaar,
   from the movie Ishqiya

Source: http://www.top10bollywood.com/2009/12/dil-toh-bacha-song-lyrics-from-ishqiya.html

Struggle

the people from my grandparents' generation struggled with the pangs of an emerging nation. they were uprooted from their homes and made to flee from their motherland. they had to painfully see their home and identity being decided merely on the basis of religion. they had to re-start their lives, find new livelihood, support family and keep the family together in a new land. their struggle was parallel to India's struggle as a new nation: how do i feed my family, how do i keep my family from falling apart, how do i arrange for work for so my young men and women ? 

my previous generation rebelled against the society which, till then, favored a joint family system and asked middle-class people to put family over ambition. they struggled with the disadvantages of a nuclear family - taking care of their kids and fulfilling their ambition - both. the ambition that took them away from their home, to unknown lands, where they made a world of their own despite facing discrimination due to their background, education and language barrier.

people in my generation probably do not have any of the above-mentioned struggles. from the time we are born, we are told that we live in a free, post-liberal world. religious identity is a secondary concept. we probably have never seen poverty (first-hand). having ambition is in our second nature that is encouraged by all.we have been brought-up in a certain sense of abundance and well being.

yet, we have our own share of struggle. the struggle to find our self. perhaps this struggle may not sound as simple or as big as struggle against poverty, discrimination, language barrier or religious identity. but it still is a struggle. perhaps to find our identity independent of our parents; the need to find our passion, not just our livelihood; to find good people, the pain of losing them and still keeping faith. the struggle to find love, have faith in marriage. our struggle may not have a bigger picture, it is probably a struggle to get though, each day, one day at a time.

Love is over-rated. Sacrifice and Guilt often play a huge part in it.

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the tropical weather; onset of summer; full-moon night; cool breeze; 18th floor terrace; Wills Navy Cut; great company; discussions on social theory, umberto eco, marx and tmc.

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Two of my favourite authors are dating ! Orhan Pamuk and Kiran Desai....way to go !!! :)

Linear prioritization (i.e if you love person A then person A needs to be first in EVERY aspect) is a horribly misguided measure of love.

- TJ

I am what I am and that's all that I am.

- Popeye

read in a friend's blog:

And all I did find was the belief that I will be just fine
whatever comes my way as long as I can find a way to laugh.

The thing is, sometimes i hang on to old memories because i don't have any new ones to replace them with. i don't linger on them or suffer at the loss, but i would like to just store them away in my memory. a friend wrote so beautifully: "It's like unstringing a pearl necklace. Slowly, one by one, you remove the swollen white pearls from the string and place them in a wooden box. It used to be a beautiful necklace but what good is it when the string is cut. The pearls, each on their own now, still look as pretty, if not better. And I'd rather save the pearls than throw all of it away. Snapshots safely stored for posterity".

 went to the book fair and got a hindi book of Harivansh Rai Bachchan's poems. i have some weird and inexplicable aversion to most poems, but his are one of the few  exceptions. Madhushaala and Jo Beet Gayi So Baat Gayi have been my sources of strength in many of my moments of despair and doubt.

was reading a chick-flick book at a bookstore the other day. as usual, it had its say about the travails of being a single woman. but this had me laughing out loud and others giving me strange looks. : "The older men get, the bigger the dating pool. it works just the reverse for women. we come attached with a 'best before' tag. and if - God forbid - we reach the expiry date while still being single, it is downhill all the way from there."  well, then i would say, why not date a younger guy ? it is happening everywhere and it is a whole new demon to deal with. ;)

Was catching-up with some  articles on kafila.org - my fix for the leftist in me. i am not a die-hard leftist and sometimes the thought processes of my friends who declare themselves as the "left of the lefts" can exasperate me. i don't see faults in everything the government does. frankly, i feel we are lucky to survive as a democracy, especially after the state the British rulers left us in and given the kind of precarious geographical location our country has been 'blessed with'.  so sometimes i feel like saying: "give the govt. a break and see the good things that have happened to the country. so they must have got something right ?"  i came across two beautifully written articles in kafila.org about Binayak Sen and the one piece of writing that stood out beautifully was from an article written by Shiv Viswanathan: "We often define as sedition what we can’t understand or can’t stand. It challenges our sense of security, the security of categories." when i come across such writings in the midst of the all the cacophony and ruckus, my heart affirms my leftist orientation.

it is heartening when someone who knows all your flaws and demons still calls you "one of my favorite people". it fills you with faith and hope that one day others will also be able to see the real you.

thank you, M.