i am in my late 20s. expectations are that you will be more or less sorted out by now. if not personally, certainly professionally. the thing is, i am not. i dont know what do to with my life. what i am doing right now feels so temporary. i dont see what i am going to be in the next one year. so thinking 3, 5 or 10 yrs down the line seems like a joke.
i am not looking for something earth shattering. just something that is worth chasing after. something that i can dedicate my life to. something that i will not mind doing atleast 10-12 hrs a day if not more. because i am not adverse to hard work. something where i can see myself not only 10 years down the line but probably for my entire life.
am i looking for a utopian world ? i dont think so. i see my friends around me. sure, they swear at their bosses, their work, lament about deadlines. they would tell me that their work is meaningless, not worth a single penny or a single hour of their life. given a chance, they would wear a pair of nike running shoes and run far away from their work. but if they really want to, they always can. you always have a choice. the bottomline is somewhere at a very basic level, they like what they are doing. which is where i have faltered. which is something i havent felt in a really long time. in fact i remember exactly when i felt this way the last time - 6 years ago. just for a few months that time, life felt good. everything was not in place. but the problems didnt look too bad and seemed like worth dealing with.
since then i havent felt it. and when i see people around me going to work with a sense of purpose, i envy them. i am jealous of them. i wish i were in their shoes. i will give anything to be in their shoes.
i dont know if this is just a classic case of confusion. i dont know if it is so wrong to really search for something that is so elusive, something that is worth chasing after. but for once i do feel like atleast looking for it.
and in this whole process there are so many people who have been hurt. so many who have been nothing but so good to me without any agenda. but all i have given them are reasons to doubt me, to question me and my intergrity. i do not know if i will ever be able to repair that broken trust. some of the threads are so shattered that perhaps they can never be mend. but i want them to know, need them to know that i am so sorry. i have nothing else to say. because anything i say will not be believed. i am working hard at mending myself. it is infinitely hard when people who you love stop believing you. but i know i have brought this on myself and i have only myself to blame. i would do anything to give them back what they have given me - their friendship, love, kindness, support and their faith, so that i dont owe them anything. but i know i cannot. that weighs so heavily on me because i have nothing to give them back. they have every right to question me, be angry with me and severe their ties with me. but i would want them to know that i will do whatever it takes repair that.
with much regret.
yours truly.
Aractus,
ReplyDeleteI'm not in my late 20s but trust me, I'm going through a similar phase. Everyday I fight myself and find a reason to get out of bed. I dont know what the answer is, but you arent alone. And I always think that the person next to me is happy and knows what they want from life, but the more I talk to people, the more I realize that we are all thinking the same thing. And that 'happiness' in those terms will always be elusive. But as long as you are hopeful and dont lose faith, which is what I'm hoping I wont, then I think I will be okay, and so will you.
And if its worth any small hope, I have found that the people who were really important, always came back.
Thanks for the words, D. appreciate it.
ReplyDelete