From a ritualistic atheist

S calls himself a ritualistic atheist. his views on clay-idol worship:

we do need some idols to conceptualize God once in a while. but after they are immersed in the Ganges then we are back to our minds.

infact the immersion ka mantra says "all this while u were in this clay doll. now take your seat within me"

If I could wish for just one thing, I’d wish to remember forever, the kind words spoken to me; If I could hope for just one thing, I’d hope to always remember to think and wish well for all those around; If I could destroy just one thing, I’d destroy all the hurt I receive from the world; If I could believe just one thing, I’d believe in honesty and purity of one’s soul; If I could pray for just one thing, I’d pray for love and gratitude; If I could be just one thing, I’d be all that I am meant to be.

- M

...kuchh reet jagat ki aisi hai
har ek subah ki shaam hui...

- Kuchh To Log Kahenge from Amar Prem

I shrugged

You know the what scares me the most about love ? By love meaning anyone you love - your parents, siblings, friends, fiance/life partner. more than guilt, the strings attached, the commitments, the burden, the fights, the tears...

when one person shrugs his/her shoulder and says "i cant care what you think" or "do whatever you want".

it doesn't need to be about the difference in ideology or point of view. probably that, we can agree to disagree. but not when one person's action or words doesn't seem to make any difference to the other person, that is something i find almost chilling to the bone.

we make it a point to say this, make it bold, underlined and italicized that "we don't care what the world thinks of us, except that we care what a few important people think about us, say to us or perceive about us." and i try to follow this tenet to the last word. but i am mortally afraid for that relationship when one amongst them gives me the cold shoulder, or says, "well, do what you want, i don't really care". how can that be possible ? when the person in front of you is so important to you (and assuming this attitude is definitely two-way street, say in case of parents, siblings whom we are genetically programmed to love), how can it not matter ?

even the part-cynicist in me doesn't understand it....

She paints her face to hide her face.

- Memoirs of a Geisha

Time

time can bring you down
time can bend your knes
time can break your heart
have you begging please
begging please...

-Tears in Heaven. Eric Clapton

Prices to Pay

The biggest support comes with the highest price - making you feel guilty.

Silence comes with a price - accusations of "lack of conscience".

Trying to move away from the hurt comes with a price - lack of caring attitude.

the most beautiful part of this is, nothing that is happening now is wrong. she cannot push back and fight. she cannot scream "unfair" or "how can you say this to me". because deep down she knew this would happen, maybe this is the only way she can pay for what she has done.

but does that mean she cannot feel sad ? perhaps the day she stops feeling sad and starts accepting whatever is being said to her, she is over. neither her heart nor her mind accepts it. of course she cannot voice her defense. but she has a loop in her mind that keeps working and works overtime to tell her that all this is going to be important in shaping her thoughts and opinions in future. her thinking about family, friends, support, love, apologies, setbacks, guilt...

for now, she needs to keep her soul intact. she cannot slip into ignominy and self-pity. she cannot give-up the fight. the fight for her self. the battle to claw back into the world, to have a place for herself.

she does not know from where or how she will get the strength from. perhaps she is already dealing with it, in her own way. she is not relegating this at the back of my mind and thinking of dealing with it later. because she is afraid later might be too late.