i guess one is almost genetically programmed to love them. but sometimes their overbearing love and their need to control and our ensuing guilt can alienate you from them. and then you only feel beholden to them because of the economic investments that they have made with you. the emotional and familial ties get damaged forever. and these latter ties are so fragile that it may be years before any attempt can be made to repair them. there remains no room for anything else but resentment.
i am fighting this feeling. resisting it with all the willpower i have. dont know how long my strength will last. and i know it is going to be miserable either way, unless....
i am fighting this feeling. resisting it with all the willpower i have. dont know how long my strength will last. and i know it is going to be miserable either way, unless....
In a very famous commencement speech by JK Rowling, I picked up one of the most useful lessons- there is an expiry date for blaming your parents..I guess once I'm my own responsibility, then I am my own responsibility.
ReplyDeletei am reading my post again to see where i sound like i am "blaming" my parents. i dont blame them for the screw-ups in my life, because they are completely mine. moreover my self-persecution complex will never allow me to think otherwise. but i am resentful of the manner in which my screw-ups in one area can be interpreted and used against in completely unrelated contexts.
ReplyDeleteErr, no I was just quoting stuff from the exact line..you dont sound like you are blaming them, but my family has driven me to extreme situations sometimes by misquoting me from previous and now irrelevant contexts too..but strangely now I feel they have some right over me, so they can say anything but I have a lot of right over me, so I can choose what to listen to..does that make sense at all?
ReplyDelete:) interesting point, your last line. debatable, but makes me rethink about my attitude now. i have always applied this to people who are NOT family. somehow when it comes to family, all bets are usually off for me.
ReplyDeleteso the thing with me is, the last one year, i have lost some of the best people in my life. i admit many of them have been my doing. i am trying to repair those relationships, but i am doubtful. and that has been somewhat bearable because i do not allow people to get to me.
ReplyDeletebut when i say all bets are off with family, it is partly in my genes and partly because i need that or want that. i do not want to be the cold bitch who is unaffected by anyone around her.
so.. :)
I know a bit about what you mean, the last few months have been hard on me because of some bonds which have gone awry- I tried to repair them, but that wasnt working- so I am going to repair myself first..have you tried that? Anyway, we'll be okay:)
ReplyDeleteamen :)
ReplyDelete