...And Then She Would Fall Apart

They stood staring at each other, frozen in time. memories flashed in front of her eyes like a colorful kaleidoscope. she though of the trips they had planned together, of the endless discussions they had on science, society, literature and morality, on the friendship that turned into a deep love for each other where there were no promises made, no grandiose declarations uttered. just a tacit understanding of their mutual need for each other.

Glimpses of their times together flashed before her eyes like someone was sifting through the pages of a book. she stood with her luggage, in a foreign land, surrounded by the noisy din of the airport, looking at the only face that was known to her, now almost a stranger's face. the face she had grown to love for six years. she could see the wrinkles beside his eyes when he smiled. she could no longer meet the gaze because she was scared that he could see right through her. see that she was miserable without him, that she was trying to restart her life without him, that she was broken and lost and hurt.

She pulled her jacket close to her, as if trying to protect herself from the effect he still had on her. she decided she would not let him see that. she would wear a bright and happy expression on her face. she did not know who the subterfuge was for. for herself ? for him ? he the had wanted to go and she had no choice but to let him. she owed that much to him. perhaps this was the only way she could repay his friendship, support and love over the six years.

She searched his face to find some answers that she knew she would never get. she had to accept the decision that he had made for the two of them. she had been prepping herself for this moment since the last twenty-three hours in the flight. she thought she could do this. but one look at his face and she realized she was back to square-one. she had not moved-on. not one inch. but for now, she thought of what Nat King Cole sang..

"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile"

No, she would not fall apart in front of him. not here. so she threw her head back, squared her shoulders and put on her smile and greeted him.

The tears and the pain, they would come later and assail her. 

The E-word

Part of living is having expectations. yes. it is a repulsive word, it is a scary word. but it is a very basic human emotion.

I have tried living with reduced expectations, but it doesnt work too well for me. i end-up struggling way too much with myself. and part of living well is choosing our battles. not all battles are worth fighting. it is true that less expectations causes less hurt, but it somehow feels as if i would have to live my life in a half-hearted measure. as if i would never be able to enjoy the good moments and always be weary of them, for the fear of losing those good moments.

That just feels wrong to me.

I would rather have expectations, but know that they might not be met. try to not take it personally if they happen to crumble and crash.

The Burrito Story

Here is how, my friend says, the country has increased her appetite with its magnum-sized helpings...

"So, when i first landed in Baastan [sic] 4 years ago, my first meal was a burrito. i had that burrito for THREE meals, i swear. then I came to texas 2 years ago, and found the burritos 50% even larger, and it took me 3 meals to eat it. now i can eat 90% of it in one meal, sometimes even the whole thing."


Super Size Me ?

I have never ever picked up any of his other books after reading The Alchemist. When i saw some more of his books in the shelf and was told that my brother bought them, i told myself, "iske reading taste ka kuch karna padega". but once in a while, he does make sense.

"Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not."

Thank you for this wisdom, Mr. Coelho !

Summing-up my past week.

It hasnt hurt in a while. do i dare to think that i am doing okay ?

It is possible that a person may be one of your favourite people, but you may not be great friends or be really close to that person.

Speaking about one such person, i got a great news from him. but i sense a reluctance on his part to celebrate. also, does he sense that i sense that he hasnt really moved on ? well, i may be guilty of psychoanalyzing him. i wish he had the confidence in me to talk about it. and here i am, telling myself that i need to respect his privacy.

I need to stop myself from finishing an entire pack of Alpenliebe (ten pops) in one go.

When you face rejection in a relationship, it hurts mostly on two accounts. a general hurt that one cannot be with that person, spend more time and grow closer, anymore. and the other thing that is hurt is one's pride. the latter part is incredibly hard to admit, even to one own self.

There is something incredibly comforting about eating ice-cream directly from a tub.

Foibled Spirit said that i "tend to abstain from alcohol for months together and then one day, dive into it like a fish dives into water." :D i am only living-up to my zodiac sign !

Both, yes BOTH my laptops decided to die on me the very same day.

Ahh Life, have I every stopped wondering at you ?

It is always a liability to know anyone, even one own self, too well.

We - I

I have the characters in place. i need is a good screenplay. an interesting story that interlinks the following characters, who btw, are friends.


Charater 1 is in this forbidden relationship, one that seems real, but the stress of the forbidden fruit might be too much to handle. can she really find her happiness in it ?
Character 2 longs for this person who could be the one, but the ghosts of her past wont let her pursue.
Character 3 had the fairly-tale wedding. but then became the adult.
Character 4 cant have a relationship for more than a few months at a stretch. but each relationship leaves deep wounds in its wake. what is she seeking ?
Character 5 is older, wiser, cautioning others on the mistakes of her life. but were they really mistakes or a life lived on her terms ?

We have come a long long way since starting out eleven years ago.

P.S.: one of the characters is me.

P.P.S.: all characters are real-life ones.

Things I would like to do that I am unable to:

• Finish the three books I am currently reading. This is really crazy. I haven't been able to finish any of them in almost a month. Bad, bad bad baaaaad !! :O

• Not being able to take the public transportation system to work. Off-late, since we leave around the same time, my dad likes it if he gets to drop me off to my work before heading off to his. So while the driver is busy driving the car, I have to make nice conversation with him, instead of being able to read a nice book. Err. Well. Not the best thing to say, but I have enough of his conversations at home. I so cherish my 45-min commute in the public transportation system, with a book. That is how I finished books fairly quickly !

• Go to a beach on an (almost) everyday basis. I miss the beach, I miss being near the ocean and looking at the pattern the waves make and the infinite horizon. I listen to the OST of Beach to drive the feeling away.

• Read more about Anton Gaudi, Andy Warhol, Coco Chanel. These three were not just famous or talented, but absolutely crazy. And I love crazy people.

• Be shockingly rude or cheeky to the aunties and uncles of the family who are keen to get me married -off.

• Stare back at random people who just stare at me, for no reason absolutely. I am the last person on this planet who likes attention on myself. So I never dress or act to draw attention. Still fails to work.

• Get back to learning Urdu.

• Wear a saree !! Arrrgh.

• Not be camera-shy. My cousin and my camera-shyness is legendary in the family. We practically hide when we see a camera. :D

• Stop buying post-its and other stationary, even when I do not need them. My reaction to seeing good stationary is like an overweight child's reaction to a mayo-dripping burger. I do not need it, but I still want it.

• Stop treating some people like they are a mystery. Some are just plain silent and boring and lazy. Nothing to do with them being troubled.

Pfft. !!! :)