Fidelity and Honesty

 is it about the mind or the body ?

even when you are in a committed relationship, there is no reason why you cant appreciate another person. it is a natural healthy reaction. taking it one step further, what if you are really attracted to that person and vice versa ? do you remain content by just thinking about it, telling yourself - "but i am not doing anything". or is it better to just to go the whole hog, have a physical relationship and (try) get over with it ? some might argue that if you cannot get a hold over your libido, if you cannot remain faithful to your partner, then what is the difference between you and a polygamous animal. but what good is it if i still keep thinking about that person ? am i still not being unfaithful to my partner ? some say that it is what you do that matters. does that mean it is okay to think and lech after a person, as long as i don't go ahead and sleep with him/her ? when two people make a commitment to each other in a relationship, the subtext doesnt mean that we will stop seeing things around us. rather it is that we will stay true to each other, come hell or high water. this probably is a basic tenet of any relationship. 

if you are attracted to another man/woman, but still really want to get it out of your system, then isnt it better to come clean to your partner, instead of just thinking about it or even clandestinely going ahead with it ? what i mean is, which one is worse ? to keep thinking about Mr.X all the time, while still physically being in the current relationship ? or having the courage to give-up the safe haven of your current relationship and giving Mr.X an honest try ? the latter is a risk, perhaps with no returns. that's why it is called a risk.

being attracted to someone outside of the relationship may not necessarily mean that your current relationship is incomplete or unfulfilling. some (mostly) men have admitted that they have, simultaneously been in love with more than one women. there have been times when he has been forced to make a choice. but then there have also been times when all of them have co-existed with each other agreeably, with the knowledge of the existence of each other. the point i am trying to make, is, why not give honesty a chance ? if i flip-out at my partner's admission of attraction to some else, perhaps for now, i would have averted a break-down of the relationship with my tantrums, temper, anger and hurt. but it is only a matter of time when he starts thinking that coming clean is just not an option. 

the thing is, you cannot hold a person hostage by putting the ransom of the relationship. it feels scary to give-up someone you love, you are committed to, because we all have the urge to seek comfort in the known and want security. to achieve that, we are guilty of inflicting "emotional atyachaar" on the other person. but sometimes you might have to let go of the bird that you have imprisoned in a golden cage, trusting fate, knowing that if two people are meant to be with each other, they will find a way back. and it is better done as a choice than necessity.

Struggle

the people from my grandparents' generation struggled with the pangs of an emerging nation. they were uprooted from their homes and made to flee from their motherland. they had to painfully see their home and identity being decided merely on the basis of religion. they had to re-start their lives, find new livelihood, support family and keep the family together in a new land. their struggle was parallel to India's struggle as a new nation: how do i feed my family, how do i keep my family from falling apart, how do i arrange for work for so my young men and women ? 

my previous generation rebelled against the society which, till then, favored a joint family system and asked middle-class people to put family over ambition. they struggled with the disadvantages of a nuclear family - taking care of their kids and fulfilling their ambition - both. the ambition that took them away from their home, to unknown lands, where they made a world of their own despite facing discrimination due to their background, education and language barrier.

people in my generation probably do not have any of the above-mentioned struggles. from the time we are born, we are told that we live in a free, post-liberal world. religious identity is a secondary concept. we probably have never seen poverty (first-hand). having ambition is in our second nature that is encouraged by all.we have been brought-up in a certain sense of abundance and well being.

yet, we have our own share of struggle. the struggle to find our self. perhaps this struggle may not sound as simple or as big as struggle against poverty, discrimination, language barrier or religious identity. but it still is a struggle. perhaps to find our identity independent of our parents; the need to find our passion, not just our livelihood; to find good people, the pain of losing them and still keeping faith. the struggle to find love, have faith in marriage. our struggle may not have a bigger picture, it is probably a struggle to get though, each day, one day at a time.

Love is over-rated. Sacrifice and Guilt often play a huge part in it.

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the tropical weather; onset of summer; full-moon night; cool breeze; 18th floor terrace; Wills Navy Cut; great company; discussions on social theory, umberto eco, marx and tmc.

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The truest friend does not doubt but hope.

- Emma

All is Fair !

the world is actually pretty fair. eventually, everything adds up and makes sense. the trick is to know where to look for answers or how to interpret them. and the bigger trick is to last that long, to arrive at the stage of eventually.  you gain some and then you lose some. or the other way round. failures are relatively easy to handle if you think that success is there...somewhere. tears are easy to deal with if you know that you will laugh at some point in time. so in the pretext of eternal search of happiness a li'l harsh words, misunderstandings, anger, frustrations...all are accepted. all for the cause of a better life, the promised land. all for the life that i dont even know if it exists. and before i get too sarcastic, let me end this post with some pertinent words.

in Gulzar's words:  

Muskuraun to..

Muskuraane ke
Karz utaarne honge

or as Bhavaticharan Varma in his famous poem "Hum Deewanon Ki Kya Hasti" puts it:

Jag se uska kuch liye chale,
Jag ko apna kuch diye chale

....

Time and again I am reminded, very rudely, that there are absolutely no free lunches in this world. not with strangers, friends, certainly not with family.

When will i ever learn and drill this fact into my head ?

Sunscreen etc.

Baz Luhrmann Lyrics - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
It. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
Scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering
Experience I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
Understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
Recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
You and how fabulous you really looked. You're not as fat as you
Imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
Effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
Bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
Never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
On some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
People who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
You're behind the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
Yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
Succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
Life the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
Wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
Olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe
You won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
Chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary what ever you do, don't
Congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either, your
Choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
Use it every way you can don't be afraid of it, or what other people
Think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
Own..

Dance even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there
For you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
People most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you
Should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
Lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
Knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
In Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
Philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
That when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
Noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
Might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
Look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
Supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
Fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
Ugly parts and recycling it for more than
It's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there
For you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

and continuing...

Motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly   used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
-  A Damn Smart Woman

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
- (Unknown)

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen

If you can't be a good example - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
- Catherine Aird

Happy Ending

He's Just Not That Into You. Not a groundbreaking movie by any standards.

it had its share of "aha, i know this type" characters - the "come'on !! how can someone be so dumb" type, the "what a loojer" type, the "poor li'l girl" type, the "what a @#!?!!, serves her right" type, the "fool returns home at the end of the day" type, the "she needs a commitment" type, the "typical commitment phobic" type, and many more (when i say "many more", what i really mean is: "i have run out of type'fying the rest of the characters").

i disagreed with most of the views presented in the movie, probably because i am not into reading signals. that goes for the positive and negative ones, unfortunately. it isn't a new phenomenon and going by experience, i don't know if i will ever change.

but this particular dialogue at the end was interesting:

"And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

a realistic perspective to the almost non-existent and questionable concept of "happy endings". especially after the overdose of the 80's - 90's bollywood sagas of the hero-heroine holding hands and walking into the sunset. what the story-writer of these sagas forgot to add was: "we are only showing a part of the relationship. for all you know, they will end-up hating each-other 5 years from now and go their separate ways."

as a director very rightly said: "If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story."

P.S: jeez, so many quotes ("...") in this post :O

Prices to Pay

The biggest support comes with the highest price - making you feel guilty.

Silence comes with a price - accusations of "lack of conscience".

Trying to move away from the hurt comes with a price - lack of caring attitude.

The Art of Ending

the art is to know when to end it. as much as you might like to continue because you havent had enough, you run the risk of overdoing it.

the end might come a little too soon. but that way, you avoid making it bitter, boring, long-drawn, passive and overexposed. probably, that also adds to the drama, makes it more poetic. there is always a longing for things that are not there. there is always more mystery if it ends prematurely or abruptly. you can work-up your imagination and mould it your way. work on the "ifs" and "buts" and add your own spice.

of course the reality remains as it is: unfinished or incomplete.