Can i not lend my books to you and still be friends with you ?

When you lend a book to someone, all you have left is luck. you have got to be lucky to get back the book. and luckier if you get back the book in good shape (assuming you kept the book in a good shape). initially you are hesitant to ask about your book because you are being polite and gracious. but there is no guarantee that your graciousness will be returned. and then after a sufficient amount of time, when you think they might have been done with the book, you realize they have actually done away with your book. here's how it might happen:

* the book joins their collection of books. here again, there might be a chance of recovery. when i gently point it out, they give a sheepish grin and (finally) return my book.

* the above case, with the claim that the copy is theirs. and i am left to twiddle my thumb and bid a silent and mournful goodbye to my book.

* they lend your book off to someone else. that someone else gives it to someone else and so on. and before long, your book is gone. after all this, they say: okay, i will buy you a new copy. seriously ? when will they get it that it wasn't just a book. it was MY book. i bought it with my money, after a lot of thought and consideration and discussion and deliberation. (whee ! i do that with books, not clothes :D).

* they think they have returned your book. unfortunately it is my word against them, so this is the saddest thing to happen. 

* then sometimes you get back your book but you hardly recognize that it was yours. it would have gone through a harrowing time in the hands of its last reader.

I've had a friend who lost my Wodehouse omnibus and tried to placate me with a tiny single Wodehouse ("its the same author!"). i lost my Feynman. the person i lent it to, gave the book to someone else and that someone else doesn't remember the whereabouts of the book anymore. my new copy of  The Inheritance of Loss  was returned to me with dog-ears and tea-stains. the person didn't even realize it. i have lost my White Tiger and have no clue who has it. these are just a few of them. i am not going into others.

probably it isn't fair that people understand this, but for me, the books i have are a part of my identity. the way i keep them is an extension of my own lifestyle. to lose them is like losing a small part of myself and that can never be replaced. i do not have an unlimited source of money. so i try to read-up a book before buying or trust very very few people on their opinions about books i haven't read. so that i don't waste my money on books i don't like.

so the next time a friend (with a "history" with my books) asks for a book from me, can i politely decline and still be friends with this person ? Hmmm.

P.S.: i do not have the habit of writing my name on the books, but i am doing that now, often. guess i learnt it the hard way.

read it somewhere: love is better, wherever it is found.

there is so much chaos around us. amidst this madness, if you find love even for a small moment, take it and nurture it. live it and then when it is over, move on. don't judge people on their choices. regardless of the race, color, background. regardless of gender. don't waste time trying to define love, because either the definition will never satisfy you or you will seldom find the love suited for your definition. love could be just friendship between two people, it could be just pure physical for others. it could be a slow waltz for some or a sensual salsa for others. whatever it is, make the most of it. dont expect it to last forever. put yourself out there and be reckless with yourself. you might end-up bruised and hurt, but you will have lived those moments. they alone will constitute a memory of a lifetime. we sometimes worry too much about future and consequences. we look for the perfection, security, acceptance that always remain elusive. stability and security that love is supposed to bring is more of an illusion than reality. so keep this in mind and love. love frequently, laugh about it and move on.

after all  John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons said:

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

(lyrics courtesy: http://www.lyricsfreak.com)

Note: all the views expressed in this post need not necessarily be mine. 

Who does memory belong to ?

Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein...

As i grow older and come closer to the "dreaded" 30s, i feel more and more secure about myself. funnily, i have very little going in my life. yet i dont feel the pressure. i dont feel the need to impress someone and i couldnt care less if i rub anyone the wrong way. i only talk to people i like or care about (and that pool is decreasing at an alarmingly fast rate). i can barely hide my irritation or boredom with some people. not only do i have extreme opinions, but i have excellent ways to self-justify having such opinions. most of the time emotions mean very very little to me as i think that it is all about hormones. i have more and more people to have small-talk with. i feel less inclined to open-up and burden them with my worries.

i have made the ignominious journey from being the golden girl in my family to the black, dark sheep.

am i growing complacent or is it just a coping mechanism that i have developed  ? only time will tell. meanwhile, every other day, i find new ways of being busy with my own self.

Perhaps, Sahir Ludhianvi has summed it up so aptly :

Maein Zindagi Ka Saath Nibhata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Udata Chala Gaya

Barbadiyon Ka Shok Manana Fizul Tha
Barbadiyon Ka Jashan Manata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Udata Chala Gaya

Jo Mil Gaya Usi Ko Muqaddar Samajh Liya
Jo Kho Gaya Maein Usko Bhulata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Udata Chala Gaya

Gham Aur Khushi Mein Farq Na Mehsoos Ho Jahan
Maein Dil Ko Us Muqaam Pe Laata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Udata Chala Gaya...

lyrics courtesy: http://www.dishant.com/lyrics/song-55718.html

P.S.: Sahir Ludhianvi deserves a separate post.

There are a lot many things in this world that i do not know, have never come across, that sometimes grosses me out or is simply beyond my vista of knowledge. does that mean that they are wrong ? some of those things, i may never understand even if i question them, some i may just never have the time or inclination to think about and some may just not be worth knowing.

To realize my knowledge has its boundaries is to humbly accept that there are workings of this world that are just different from my own. that doesn't necessarily mean that i am wrong or inadequate. that need not make me insecure or disadvantaged.

it is hard to give-in and accept differences that you don't understand, because sometimes they are in direct contrast to what you may have been believing all your life. your sense of well-being, security and assurances are challenged and threatened. but more often than not, it is necessary to atleast acknowledge the existence of some things, because they are closer home than you realize. to reject some notions at its face value is like rejecting someone on the basis of their skin color. it isn't just wrong, it is unfortunate. it is like putting blinders on your own brain and never giving your own intelligence, logic and education a chance.

Revisiting an old love :)

One of the most beautiful songs i have heard from one of the most poignantly beautiful movies i have seen.



I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing it loud

- Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard, from the movie Once.


lyrics courtesy: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/once/fallingslowly.htm

Photos or Videos ?

I guess each has its own merit.

you can watch things "as it was" in a video. there can be alternate zoom in and out to focus on subjects. it can be confusing as too many things happen simultaneously. a video has sound, motion, music. there is hardly a  single moment to experience.  it hardly allows us to stop time and revisit it in our mind because it is all happening in front of our eyes. it is hard to concentrate on any one aspect. it has the feel of speed and technology. you wouldn't feel the progression in time since video is continuous.

a photo. its a snapshot frozen in time. it allows us to experience the stopped time and relive the experience. an unchecked tear, a stealthy glance, a misplaced frown. a photo has a still, clutter-free quality. the camera is liable to discover some missed detail. you can stare at a photo, a single shot for the longest time and discover different aspects of the same picture. a photo is a discrete moment in time, so a same face could show a completely different expression in a matter of minutes. you capture a moment, an emotion and spin a web of stories around it.

why aren't there celebrity video-makers, like we have celebrity photographers ?

so much for a day with Raghu Rai's photo exhibition.

If I Could...

...say this to you, i would say -

to aegle zocis: thank you for reigning me in, time and again. 


to mary ray lieu: having seen you in some of your weakest moments, i have learnt from you that it is sometimes okay to be weak, in order to get stronger.

to vk: you are one of the most humane person i have known, who has the immense courage to accept your own weaknesses. and calling thy self "a huge ego-pot". 

to calvin: get over it, you cannot turn me into a veggie, forget a vegan. thanks for the 100$ bet for my vegan month which helped me to have an idea of your trials and tribulations. and stop being angry on yourself all the time.

to musketzar: it is okay to have your weakness known to the people who care for you. you just have to trust that they will not be used against you. and thank you for giving me the "moment of madness".

to kabir: for teaching me to push traditional boundaries.


to hootom: you are the definition of  "laugh at thy self".

to chaits: thank you for Love Story and the following six years.

to foibled spirit: thank you for (unknowingly) being the reason i could differentiate between "a person" and "an idea of a person". and please do not take your literature too seriously.