Sometimes there is more sadness in acceptance, than in rejection.
five years back i had thought that five years from then i would be sorted-out in my faith, beliefs, opinions, ideals. five years from thence, i still find myself at cross-sections all the time. some would say i am too malleable about my opinion. others may appreciate that i am still willing to learn, change and accept things that dont immediately agree with me.
and then there is the tiny fact that i have an opinion about everything. and i have learnt to be unapologetic about it. i have also learned to remain silent unless my opinion is asked for. this learning process hasnt been easy and sharp criticisms have been showered on me from some of the best people i have known.
more pertinent question: is it really impossible to remain free of judgment ? or is it that when we claim to "not judge", the subtle text is, "we have already judged and formed an opinion. but we arent going to let that come in our way".
Everyone judges.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Temptations
Oscar Wilde said, "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
Oh how i follow this advice to the T ! temptation to write to someone who will never respond, temptation to read something that werent for your eyes, temptation to throw-away something you will always need, temptation to eat that thing that will add 10 inch to your waistline in a day, temptation to run after mysteries that you will never solve, temptation to sleep that extra minute, temptation to think about futile things...
and i have given-in to all of them. time and again. i may have scholded myself for being foolish, but as they say: Hindsight vision is always perfect. yea, we have this beautiful thing call retrospect, which makes all our wrongs, okay. which makes us find a lesson in everything that went wrong, which gives us a perfect tool for doing all random things now, because...? oh, we will think about it later and definitely realize that we learnt, if nothing else, a good lesson. we wouldnt change it for the world !!
Oh how i follow this advice to the T ! temptation to write to someone who will never respond, temptation to read something that werent for your eyes, temptation to throw-away something you will always need, temptation to eat that thing that will add 10 inch to your waistline in a day, temptation to run after mysteries that you will never solve, temptation to sleep that extra minute, temptation to think about futile things...
and i have given-in to all of them. time and again. i may have scholded myself for being foolish, but as they say: Hindsight vision is always perfect. yea, we have this beautiful thing call retrospect, which makes all our wrongs, okay. which makes us find a lesson in everything that went wrong, which gives us a perfect tool for doing all random things now, because...? oh, we will think about it later and definitely realize that we learnt, if nothing else, a good lesson. we wouldnt change it for the world !!
The Apple's plight
Ramchandra Guha described the 1947-plight of Kashmir: an apple that was perched precariously on the edge of India's basket, never completely in India's basket or never out of it.
2010 - Kashmir is still an apple on the edge of the basket. true, its government is a part of India, but do the people of Kashmir really have that sense of belonging to India ? Could we have a plebscite solution ? Could we attempt a partition of Kashmir ?
With the Urdu word jannat, Kashmir is the first thing that comes to my mind. As a cop deputed in the valley said about Kashmir now: its fraught with problems, but it is beautiful. it is worth fighting for.
2010 - Kashmir is still an apple on the edge of the basket. true, its government is a part of India, but do the people of Kashmir really have that sense of belonging to India ? Could we have a plebscite solution ? Could we attempt a partition of Kashmir ?
With the Urdu word jannat, Kashmir is the first thing that comes to my mind. As a cop deputed in the valley said about Kashmir now: its fraught with problems, but it is beautiful. it is worth fighting for.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
sometimes, you can only do your bit. ask for forgiveness, offer unconditional apology. whether the person in front of you will accept that or not isnt in your hands. it isnt necessary that the person will be in any mood to forgive you when you ask for forgiveness. it may come now, later or probably never. otherwise i guess it is oversimplification and very convenient.
and very hard indeed.
and very hard indeed.
just when you think there is some semblance to this thing called life, life decides to shock you out of this comfortable zone.
so many lives affected by one single incident. such unnecessary loss, so much pain and regret, so much sorrow, so many unsaid words, unfinished work, delayed realizations...
i could hear your voice wafting-in from the adjacent room as we talked. singing in a lazy afternoon. singing for no one but yourself. singing from your heart. wish i could go back to that afternoon. just once.
so many lives affected by one single incident. such unnecessary loss, so much pain and regret, so much sorrow, so many unsaid words, unfinished work, delayed realizations...
i could hear your voice wafting-in from the adjacent room as we talked. singing in a lazy afternoon. singing for no one but yourself. singing from your heart. wish i could go back to that afternoon. just once.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Fast Forward to 30s
i was telling a friend the other day that i would like to skip the late 20s and speed on to the early 30s part. and predictably, he had this "what do i do with you" look on his face. now, why would i want to become old at a rate faster that usual ? as if the usual rate isnt fast enough !
well, there are certain disadvantages associated with being in late 20s. and if you are an indian girl with a masters degree in her late 20s, then my God help you. this is the ripe age to get married. or else there is absolutely no chance ! some people at home already consider me a lost case because i show no inclination of "settling down". my own parents refrain from broaching the topic too forcefully for the fear of irking me. people all around me are getting married at a disgustingly (sorry ;)) fast rate.
Case point: the ones in indian B-schools. there, the culture of marrying their batchmate/junior/senior is alarmingly high. why would that be so ? is it because most of them know that "this is it as far as academia is concerned" ? that the next logical step would be, apart from getting a job, "settling down". so why not try to maarofy chance right now ? there are no dearth of suitable candidates. on the contrary, when i talk to my friends in american B-schools they have a very different picture. here, the average age of students are early 30s. they have had considerable work-experience, have been married with kids, some are single and some actually divorced or going through the process. so people arent really looking actively. just temporary hook-ups, dating etc.
anyway, i am digressing from what i started. that is the pain of being in late 20s and not wanting marriage. now, by the time you hit 30s, your parents would have given-up on you, your much-married-soon-to-have-kids friends would also look at you with pity but thankfully keep their mouth shut, you would have found like-minded friends who are in their 30s or 40s. i already have friends who are in their 30s, single, sometimes dating and having a fabulous life. okay, perhaps fabulous is an exageration. but their life isnt exactly empty because they dont have a husband or a wife to come back home to.
i am not anti-marriage. it is (perhaps) a beautiful institution. i have also seen many broken marriages in my own family. all that doesnt put me off about marriage. but you need to have the right reasons for going into it. especially when you can afford to have the right reasons for not going into it. fear of loneliness, social acceptance, emotional security, biological clock ticking, the eligible people reducing....they just dont seem like good enough reasons.
well, there are certain disadvantages associated with being in late 20s. and if you are an indian girl with a masters degree in her late 20s, then my God help you. this is the ripe age to get married. or else there is absolutely no chance ! some people at home already consider me a lost case because i show no inclination of "settling down". my own parents refrain from broaching the topic too forcefully for the fear of irking me. people all around me are getting married at a disgustingly (sorry ;)) fast rate.
Case point: the ones in indian B-schools. there, the culture of marrying their batchmate/junior/senior is alarmingly high. why would that be so ? is it because most of them know that "this is it as far as academia is concerned" ? that the next logical step would be, apart from getting a job, "settling down". so why not try to maarofy chance right now ? there are no dearth of suitable candidates. on the contrary, when i talk to my friends in american B-schools they have a very different picture. here, the average age of students are early 30s. they have had considerable work-experience, have been married with kids, some are single and some actually divorced or going through the process. so people arent really looking actively. just temporary hook-ups, dating etc.
anyway, i am digressing from what i started. that is the pain of being in late 20s and not wanting marriage. now, by the time you hit 30s, your parents would have given-up on you, your much-married-soon-to-have-kids friends would also look at you with pity but thankfully keep their mouth shut, you would have found like-minded friends who are in their 30s or 40s. i already have friends who are in their 30s, single, sometimes dating and having a fabulous life. okay, perhaps fabulous is an exageration. but their life isnt exactly empty because they dont have a husband or a wife to come back home to.
i am not anti-marriage. it is (perhaps) a beautiful institution. i have also seen many broken marriages in my own family. all that doesnt put me off about marriage. but you need to have the right reasons for going into it. especially when you can afford to have the right reasons for not going into it. fear of loneliness, social acceptance, emotional security, biological clock ticking, the eligible people reducing....they just dont seem like good enough reasons.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
That 80's
a revolutionary idea for the 1980's when movies were either about a bumbling next-door hero and his funny situations including his love life or the masala movies of the hero fighting villains and saving the girl.
somewhere trying to make a space with niche audiences were movies which were "non-family" movies, because a family was not supposed to sit together and watch a philandering husband, a wife who could walk out of her marriage or a broken family. where the woman was not afraid of a divorce and the man was not apologetic about his love for a woman who was not his wife.
Arth and Ijaazat. there is something about these movies that makes it so compelling to watch. the flawed husband, a forbidden torrential affair with a devastingly attractive, stunning but traumatic woman, the wife who is deeply in love with her husband only to realize that he has feet of clay, who is torn between love for her husband and the need to save her self-respect. the movies characteristically explore the uncomfortable issues of infidelity, broken relationships, the stifling socio-cultural boundaries. they call-out to our need for the forbidden, the unexplained attraction for the flawed or damaged person, the inherent nature of a person to run after mysteries.
and then, who can forget the beautiful words in Arth - tum itna jo muskura rahe ho, kya gham hai jisko chupa rahe ho....
somewhere trying to make a space with niche audiences were movies which were "non-family" movies, because a family was not supposed to sit together and watch a philandering husband, a wife who could walk out of her marriage or a broken family. where the woman was not afraid of a divorce and the man was not apologetic about his love for a woman who was not his wife.
Arth and Ijaazat. there is something about these movies that makes it so compelling to watch. the flawed husband, a forbidden torrential affair with a devastingly attractive, stunning but traumatic woman, the wife who is deeply in love with her husband only to realize that he has feet of clay, who is torn between love for her husband and the need to save her self-respect. the movies characteristically explore the uncomfortable issues of infidelity, broken relationships, the stifling socio-cultural boundaries. they call-out to our need for the forbidden, the unexplained attraction for the flawed or damaged person, the inherent nature of a person to run after mysteries.
and then, who can forget the beautiful words in Arth - tum itna jo muskura rahe ho, kya gham hai jisko chupa rahe ho....
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Two Men, Good Food and a Drink
to the two S in my life:
they pamper me, listen to my rants, laugh at my silly thoughts, laugh with me on my wild fantasies, indulge me, soothe me, scream at me, make fun of me. there is something very comfortable about their company. maybe because i dont have the fear of being judged. maybe because i can share my deepest fears and my darkest secrets with them and they'll just roll their eyes. these two men can lighten-up a grey movie and make it into full technicolor. sometimes i just stay in their company to get that infectious enthusiasm they have for life. the silly talks about men, clothes, fashion, chick-flicks. their care-o-damn attitude. when we have one of our talkathon sessions, i end up saying - "we are so crass, cheap and vulger. we will surely go to hell :D" and then i sleep with a content smile on my face.
when i see them fighting for the survival self, my heart fills with so much pride. i have a strange sense of ownership on them. i have seen them in their weak moments. when the self-assured, unapologetic demeanor comes down to reveal individuals who are just as insecure and lonely as everyone else. who need love, assurance, acceptance just like everyone else. their world is so different from me, yet is so similar.
i celebrate them everyday.
..........
on a different note: its amazing what a good meal can do to you. it uplifts your spirits, soothes your soul and you feel: ahh...all is well with the world now !
its been six months since i have had a single drink ! six months :O. the weather here is so non-conducive for any hot drinks (other than coffee and tea). i am yet to find my favourite brand of Moscato D'Asti :(. heck, i am yet to find any Moscato D'Asti.
they pamper me, listen to my rants, laugh at my silly thoughts, laugh with me on my wild fantasies, indulge me, soothe me, scream at me, make fun of me. there is something very comfortable about their company. maybe because i dont have the fear of being judged. maybe because i can share my deepest fears and my darkest secrets with them and they'll just roll their eyes. these two men can lighten-up a grey movie and make it into full technicolor. sometimes i just stay in their company to get that infectious enthusiasm they have for life. the silly talks about men, clothes, fashion, chick-flicks. their care-o-damn attitude. when we have one of our talkathon sessions, i end up saying - "we are so crass, cheap and vulger. we will surely go to hell :D" and then i sleep with a content smile on my face.
when i see them fighting for the survival self, my heart fills with so much pride. i have a strange sense of ownership on them. i have seen them in their weak moments. when the self-assured, unapologetic demeanor comes down to reveal individuals who are just as insecure and lonely as everyone else. who need love, assurance, acceptance just like everyone else. their world is so different from me, yet is so similar.
i celebrate them everyday.
..........
on a different note: its amazing what a good meal can do to you. it uplifts your spirits, soothes your soul and you feel: ahh...all is well with the world now !
its been six months since i have had a single drink ! six months :O. the weather here is so non-conducive for any hot drinks (other than coffee and tea). i am yet to find my favourite brand of Moscato D'Asti :(. heck, i am yet to find any Moscato D'Asti.
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