read in a friend's blog:

And all I did find was the belief that I will be just fine
whatever comes my way as long as I can find a way to laugh.

The thing is, sometimes i hang on to old memories because i don't have any new ones to replace them with. i don't linger on them or suffer at the loss, but i would like to just store them away in my memory. a friend wrote so beautifully: "It's like unstringing a pearl necklace. Slowly, one by one, you remove the swollen white pearls from the string and place them in a wooden box. It used to be a beautiful necklace but what good is it when the string is cut. The pearls, each on their own now, still look as pretty, if not better. And I'd rather save the pearls than throw all of it away. Snapshots safely stored for posterity".

 went to the book fair and got a hindi book of Harivansh Rai Bachchan's poems. i have some weird and inexplicable aversion to most poems, but his are one of the few  exceptions. Madhushaala and Jo Beet Gayi So Baat Gayi have been my sources of strength in many of my moments of despair and doubt.

was reading a chick-flick book at a bookstore the other day. as usual, it had its say about the travails of being a single woman. but this had me laughing out loud and others giving me strange looks. : "The older men get, the bigger the dating pool. it works just the reverse for women. we come attached with a 'best before' tag. and if - God forbid - we reach the expiry date while still being single, it is downhill all the way from there."  well, then i would say, why not date a younger guy ? it is happening everywhere and it is a whole new demon to deal with. ;)

Was catching-up with some  articles on kafila.org - my fix for the leftist in me. i am not a die-hard leftist and sometimes the thought processes of my friends who declare themselves as the "left of the lefts" can exasperate me. i don't see faults in everything the government does. frankly, i feel we are lucky to survive as a democracy, especially after the state the British rulers left us in and given the kind of precarious geographical location our country has been 'blessed with'.  so sometimes i feel like saying: "give the govt. a break and see the good things that have happened to the country. so they must have got something right ?"  i came across two beautifully written articles in kafila.org about Binayak Sen and the one piece of writing that stood out beautifully was from an article written by Shiv Viswanathan: "We often define as sedition what we can’t understand or can’t stand. It challenges our sense of security, the security of categories." when i come across such writings in the midst of the all the cacophony and ruckus, my heart affirms my leftist orientation.

it is heartening when someone who knows all your flaws and demons still calls you "one of my favorite people". it fills you with faith and hope that one day others will also be able to see the real you.

thank you, M.

Its the time for annual book fair in city i am currently living. my last post on books already read or to be read was this . have i been able to read all of them ?

nocturnes - kazuo ishiguro - a charming collection of short stories. reminds me to add "remains of the day" to my list of books to read/buy.

short stories by franz kafka - i need to give him some time to grow on me. i will give him a few more chances. i am not so accommodating with writers. my simple theory is - there are so many books to read in this world. why waste time on one writer if he/she isnt able to fascinate you in their first shot ?

note: An embarassing confession - my "fascination" with kafka was with his personal life, especially his last few years with his partner Dora Diamant and her daughter Franziska Marianne (who wasnt fathered by Kafka but named after him).

papillion - henry charriere - not even halfway through the book. i blame it on the fact that i own the book. i always think i will have enough time to read my own books.

the world is flat - thomas friedman - not the most interesting book on the changing world and globalization.

thousand splendid suns - khalid hosseini - read it, mulled over it and dedicated a blogpost on it.

the white tiger - arvind adiga - another casualty of "i own the book, so will have enough time to read it". i have lost my copy now. hmpf.

In my defense of this tiny list, i have also read a lot more that i hadnt included in the list. they would be:

Ramchandra Guha's India After Gandhi

Anjum Hassan's Lunatic in my head

Richard Yates' Revolutionary Road - Whattey book ! i saw the movie much before reading the book. i dont have words to say about sam mendes and his brilliance at casting winslet. it felt like yates had winslet in mind when he wrote the character of april wheeler. normally i dont have too much faith in books being made into movies, but this one was certainly among the few exceptions. (now now...am i raving about the book or the movie ? err...)

Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale

Homer's Illiad - just to give a pat on my back, that i too can read this book.

Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland, Little Women - read these books again and again and again. 


Here goes my next list.

M.J.Akbar's Have Pen, Will Travel.
Ishiguro's remains of the day
Rushdie's Luka and the Fire of life
Ian McEwan's Atonement
Rohinton Mistry's A fine balance, family matters
Nehru's Discovery of India
Vikram Seth's (non fiction) Two Lives
Obama's The Audacity of Hope - the title is reason enough to read the book.

these are some from the top of my head.

i have the strongest urge to write when i am really really caught-up with work and when i really really shouldnt be doing anything else, forget blogging. but i have to write it out before i can concentrate on my work

so, for now, i am done and i can rest in peace and get back to work.

Muse - Undisclosed Desires.

I know you suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

- http://www.elyricsworld.com/undisclosed_desires_lyrics_muse.html

I have been listening to this song on a loop since the last two days. i know very little about genres and sound created by music bands. but something about the lyrics caught me. the italicized lyrics hit home. really close.

Finding myself.

You dont have to love everything about yourself to the point of complacency, but try to find  few things in yourself that you would never want to change, no matter how strong the reason is.

We love the people who we love inspite of their differences with us. Try to love someone because of their differences with you. You'll hardly cease to love them.

Every friendship does not have to be strong or last a lifetime.

Travel alone, have dinner or lunch at cafes alone, go to theater alone. You will be surprised how much you notice your surroundings in the absence of a companion.

There will be times when you will be at the receiving end of a kind gesture that you can never reciprocate. Make sure you pay it forward.

Create a world of your own in your mind that no one has access to and no one can touch. Be careful lest it becomes too tempting to remain in the virtual world.

If you are a girl, get some gay men as friends. They will bring a new definition to "self-deprecating sense of humor".

If you wear colorful clothes, then get some white/grey/black socks.If you wear dull clothes, get some colorful socks.

Lastly, never take anything for granted. I mean anything. Not even your sexual orientation ;)

Realization of the day: Malayali marriages are the most aesthetically pleasing. There is the color white and there is gold. and you cannot go wrong with these two. :)

Nostalgia.

it is seductive, manipulative, all-consuming. it is ideal, comfortable, beautiful.

it is a source of pain and hopeless yearning for an idealized past.

it is like a psychotropic drug. you know the low is going to come eventually and is going to last really long, yet you want to experience the temporary high.

So, here's to hoping for a year and rest of my life free from nostalgia. :)

Cheers !